There are a lot of things about our culture that baffle me. Nearing the top of the list is the pervasiveness of talk radio. I hate talk radio. Everything about it. I hate it.
To me, there is nothing worse than being stuck in a confined space (a car) and having to listen to some pompous, opinionated loud-mouth go on and on with some assumed expertise on a topic. Listen to these guys - I can almost guarantee you each one of them has a mirror in front of them as they talk. There is so much arrogance in their tone. It's bad enough when someone thinks everyone wants to hear what they have to say, but these people are even paid for it.
Ask yourself this: would you enjoy it if that person on the radio was actually in your car, talking to you that way? You'd say, "Slow down, quit shouting, quit patronizing me."
Talk show hosts who are all about politics are the worst. They are so opinionated, why would you listen to them? It's not like you're hearing an accurate account of any situation or issue.
Plus, I hate commercials because I just don't like to hear people talk loud and fast. These guys are like a long commercial - and it's a commercial about them!
Listen to music - music is awesome. When a musician has nothing on his mind, he doesn't record anything, yet these bombastic dorks sit at the mic every day. They ramble on and on, even when they have nothing to say. They don't get paid to teach, just to talk. Losers.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I don't get...
...paying more than I make in a year for a car.
...guys my age who wear dress shoes with shorts. Even the leather shoes with tassels!
...girls who wear pearls and makeup with sweats.
...thousands of dollars worth of rims, spinners, neon lights, or spoilers on a '91 POS Honda Civic.
...superstitions.
...Gilbert Gottfried.
...families who are so involved in stuff, they never just hang out.
...why so many ethnic older ladies drive looking like they're about to have diarrhea: slow, leaning forward, overly concentrating, in pain.
...how anyone could see boyband guys as anything but homos, or, being generous, bi's.
...techno.
...why Fear Factor has millions of fans, yet Arrested Development almost got canceled.
...mormons.
...why so many hardcore tough guys have really long hair. Granola girl long hair. How does long, flowing hair equal bad A?
...people who supply all of the food for the people who are too fat to walk or get out of bed. And they're usually poor!
...how trendy people can jump on the latest fashion bandwagon and not feel like insecure followers.
...how anyone could think the Academy Awards is anything more than marketing, butt-kissing, or political.
...why anyone would buy an expensive watch.
...how the ACLU is considered reputable by anyone with a functioning brain, including animals.
...why competing movie studios release almost identical movies at the same time (ex. Armacrappin/Deep Impact, Wyatt Earp/Tombstone, Volcano/Dante's Peak, Red Planet/Mission To Mars, Like Father Like Son/Vice Versa, etc.).
...husbands who never do dishes or clean up the house, thinking bringing home the dough fulfills their obligation.
...David "And that my friends...(long pause)...is a homicide" Caruso.
...Susan Sarandon or Tim Robbins.
...why any Kennedy has risen above being the drunk janitor at a junior college.
...why every guy doesn't have a buzz. It must be ignorance.
...guys my age who wear dress shoes with shorts. Even the leather shoes with tassels!
...girls who wear pearls and makeup with sweats.
...thousands of dollars worth of rims, spinners, neon lights, or spoilers on a '91 POS Honda Civic.
...superstitions.
...Gilbert Gottfried.
...families who are so involved in stuff, they never just hang out.
...why so many ethnic older ladies drive looking like they're about to have diarrhea: slow, leaning forward, overly concentrating, in pain.
...how anyone could see boyband guys as anything but homos, or, being generous, bi's.
...techno.
...why Fear Factor has millions of fans, yet Arrested Development almost got canceled.
...mormons.
...why so many hardcore tough guys have really long hair. Granola girl long hair. How does long, flowing hair equal bad A?
...people who supply all of the food for the people who are too fat to walk or get out of bed. And they're usually poor!
...how trendy people can jump on the latest fashion bandwagon and not feel like insecure followers.
...how anyone could think the Academy Awards is anything more than marketing, butt-kissing, or political.
...why anyone would buy an expensive watch.
...how the ACLU is considered reputable by anyone with a functioning brain, including animals.
...why competing movie studios release almost identical movies at the same time (ex. Armacrappin/Deep Impact, Wyatt Earp/Tombstone, Volcano/Dante's Peak, Red Planet/Mission To Mars, Like Father Like Son/Vice Versa, etc.).
...husbands who never do dishes or clean up the house, thinking bringing home the dough fulfills their obligation.
...David "And that my friends...(long pause)...is a homicide" Caruso.
...Susan Sarandon or Tim Robbins.
...why any Kennedy has risen above being the drunk janitor at a junior college.
...why every guy doesn't have a buzz. It must be ignorance.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
The Blacklist
I know no one reading this is currently applying for the position of being my best buddy, BUT if you belong to one or more of the groups below, you can forget about it.
- people who want to show you something on your computer and quickly decide to use your keyboard and mouse.
- people who lick their fingers to get the grease, cheese, whatever off.
- people who come to work when they're sick. they think they're like martyrs, giving it their all despite being sick and, probably contagious
- nail biters. if you're that hungry, get some food. some people go after their nails so hard, it's like watching Alive.
- people who speak in questions. and Then MY FRIEND?, he Went TO HOUSTON? it sounds like someone doing the scales on a piano.
- people who use the word 'tummy'. use stomach, belly, gut, or abdomen. no one older than 6 months has a tummy.
- people who say "don't go there" "I'm not gonna go there" "no you di-int"
- girls who refer to their friends as "chiquita" "chicky"
- people who refer to their parents as "madre and padre" "my parentals" or by their first name
- people who chew their ice, shake the cup, chew their ice, shake the cup, and so on...I can't stand the up and down sound of ice going from the bottom of the cup, up to someone's mouth, then back down
- people who are totally different around their significant other. if you are, you married the wrong person, dude. or they did.
- people who take things too seriously. not everything is deep. Example: you
- insecure parents. kids are kids. don't freak out and offer lame reasons or explanations when your kid cries or gets mad or screws up. it's a child. they act like children.
- people who want to show you something on your computer and quickly decide to use your keyboard and mouse.
- people who lick their fingers to get the grease, cheese, whatever off.
- people who come to work when they're sick. they think they're like martyrs, giving it their all despite being sick and, probably contagious
- nail biters. if you're that hungry, get some food. some people go after their nails so hard, it's like watching Alive.
- people who speak in questions. and Then MY FRIEND?, he Went TO HOUSTON? it sounds like someone doing the scales on a piano.
- people who use the word 'tummy'. use stomach, belly, gut, or abdomen. no one older than 6 months has a tummy.
- people who say "don't go there" "I'm not gonna go there" "no you di-int"
- girls who refer to their friends as "chiquita" "chicky"
- people who refer to their parents as "madre and padre" "my parentals" or by their first name
- people who chew their ice, shake the cup, chew their ice, shake the cup, and so on...I can't stand the up and down sound of ice going from the bottom of the cup, up to someone's mouth, then back down
- people who are totally different around their significant other. if you are, you married the wrong person, dude. or they did.
- people who take things too seriously. not everything is deep. Example: you
- insecure parents. kids are kids. don't freak out and offer lame reasons or explanations when your kid cries or gets mad or screws up. it's a child. they act like children.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Early Morning Observations
I notice certain things every morning on my drive to work. My commute is about 5 miles, so my observations are limited, but some things puzzle me:
- Why are so many people on their cell phone early in the morning? Have you noticed this? I try to figure out who they might be talking to, but none of the obvious options make sense...
When I leave to go to work, I say good-bye to Nicole, Sam, and Bruce, and exchange "I love you"s with each, even Bruce (I say 'I love you', he responds by licking himself and staring at me). There is no need for me to call any of them two minutes later and stay on the phone for the entire drive. I don't call the office and I doubt the people I'm referring to do either. And what friend calls another friend at 8am? I don't get it.
- Panhandlers. I get coffee at McDonalds basically every morning. I crave it like crazy. There is usually someone standing by the order screen, needing gas money. There are also people at the intersections. I know they're full of crap, so do they wake up early to an alarm in their apartment or house or mansion, put on their work rags, kiss their wife, drink coffee as they watch the news, run through the script options for the day (Out Of Gas, Prescription Money, Just Enough For Some Breakfast, etc.), then head to the "office"? I actually 'busted' a guy this morning. His script called for him to say "Hey dude [shake head and smirk], I know this looks bad, but I'm driving through here on my way to Houston and just need a little gas money. I'm sorry, dude." I responded with, "How many times are you going to use that story, dude? You've tried the same thing on me three times. " His response: "Gas prices are just so high - you know?" Me: "I know - it sucks. See ya later."
- Hooligans and their shenanigans. Have you noticed how early young punks are out walking the streets? I have wondered about this for a long time. Why are they up so early, and why are they walking around? Don't young people like to sleep in and watch TV? And aren't these the same punks who cause trouble at night? Do they work the night shift of hooliganning, just wrapping up the day when I see them? Or is there a night squad of punks and a morning squad?
- I also don't get how people can listen to serious talk radio in the morning. I'm a happy morning person, but I'm not in the mood to listen to some monotone, opinionated, pompous dude explain "what's really going on" with politics, current events, last night's game, the war, or gas prices. I need music in the morning.
- Why are so many people on their cell phone early in the morning? Have you noticed this? I try to figure out who they might be talking to, but none of the obvious options make sense...
When I leave to go to work, I say good-bye to Nicole, Sam, and Bruce, and exchange "I love you"s with each, even Bruce (I say 'I love you', he responds by licking himself and staring at me). There is no need for me to call any of them two minutes later and stay on the phone for the entire drive. I don't call the office and I doubt the people I'm referring to do either. And what friend calls another friend at 8am? I don't get it.
- Panhandlers. I get coffee at McDonalds basically every morning. I crave it like crazy. There is usually someone standing by the order screen, needing gas money. There are also people at the intersections. I know they're full of crap, so do they wake up early to an alarm in their apartment or house or mansion, put on their work rags, kiss their wife, drink coffee as they watch the news, run through the script options for the day (Out Of Gas, Prescription Money, Just Enough For Some Breakfast, etc.), then head to the "office"? I actually 'busted' a guy this morning. His script called for him to say "Hey dude [shake head and smirk], I know this looks bad, but I'm driving through here on my way to Houston and just need a little gas money. I'm sorry, dude." I responded with, "How many times are you going to use that story, dude? You've tried the same thing on me three times. " His response: "Gas prices are just so high - you know?" Me: "I know - it sucks. See ya later."
- Hooligans and their shenanigans. Have you noticed how early young punks are out walking the streets? I have wondered about this for a long time. Why are they up so early, and why are they walking around? Don't young people like to sleep in and watch TV? And aren't these the same punks who cause trouble at night? Do they work the night shift of hooliganning, just wrapping up the day when I see them? Or is there a night squad of punks and a morning squad?
- I also don't get how people can listen to serious talk radio in the morning. I'm a happy morning person, but I'm not in the mood to listen to some monotone, opinionated, pompous dude explain "what's really going on" with politics, current events, last night's game, the war, or gas prices. I need music in the morning.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Some...Others
Some people starve to feel pretty
Others starve to feed their kid
Some can't walk because they're handicapped
Others can't walk because they're drunk
Some people are enraged because society has turned it's back on them
Others are enraged because Daddy bought them the wrong Land Rover
Some run every morning to keep from getting love handles
Others run every morning to keep from getting beaten up
Some people lose their spouse to tragedy
Others lose their spouse to adultery
Some babies are neglected because they were born in the wrong country
Others are neglected because the parents miss their old life
Some kids are in daycare all day because the mom has to work
Others are in daycare all day because the mom has to work to feel important
Some girls are raped because the world can be cruel
Others are raped because they got too high to notice it
Some people dream of a bigger place to live so their kids don't have to sleep in the living room
Others dream of a bigger place to live so they'll feel rich
Some pray for a popular boyfriend or girlfriend
Others pray for a friend
Some are homeless because they're crazy
Others are homeless because they're lazy
Some people cry because they aren't pregnant
Others cry because they are
Others starve to feed their kid
Some can't walk because they're handicapped
Others can't walk because they're drunk
Some people are enraged because society has turned it's back on them
Others are enraged because Daddy bought them the wrong Land Rover
Some run every morning to keep from getting love handles
Others run every morning to keep from getting beaten up
Some people lose their spouse to tragedy
Others lose their spouse to adultery
Some babies are neglected because they were born in the wrong country
Others are neglected because the parents miss their old life
Some kids are in daycare all day because the mom has to work
Others are in daycare all day because the mom has to work to feel important
Some girls are raped because the world can be cruel
Others are raped because they got too high to notice it
Some people dream of a bigger place to live so their kids don't have to sleep in the living room
Others dream of a bigger place to live so they'll feel rich
Some pray for a popular boyfriend or girlfriend
Others pray for a friend
Some are homeless because they're crazy
Others are homeless because they're lazy
Some people cry because they aren't pregnant
Others cry because they are
Friday, August 26, 2005
Identity Crisis
Some people, a lot of people, are in desperate need of an identity makeover. I thought the common need to put on a face was bad in high school, but I think it only gets worse. Then it goes away completely. In spite of the highly individualistic culture we find ourselves in, here in America, most Americans strive to up their self-perceived appraisal value by associating themselves as part of a larger whole, or by living as caricatures of socially accepted "types."
It's all crap. Just be yourself. You may be pretty shallow, but it's not until you commit to a lifetime of role-playing or conforming that you truly become empty. And there are a lot of empty people. If you were made unique - BE unique. And we were all made unique. But the truth is, if you refuse to really be yourself, you will lose yourself. You'll be like those old films - kept in a closet so long, the celluloid disintegrates into nothing and the film is gone forever.
There's a difference between manufacturing your identity and just being really into something and feeling pride toward it. Here's a short list of some examples and you can decide in which camp each belongs.
- Aggies. I'll try not to wave my opinion around too much on these, but give me a break. It's where you went to school, not a place where the gods forged your soul and made you the chosen people. Get over it - move on. No one is impressed that you're an Aggie. Here's a scene that will never happen. Ever...
Manager announcing a new employee at the office: "Everyone, this is Bill. Bill was with IBM for 2 years and, before that, graduated from A&M."
Aggies in the crowd: (various) "Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!"
Person in crowd: (reacting to Aggies) "Man - that's really cool!"
The most pathetic a person can get...
(listening to a prayer request)
"And Pray for Susan, who just found out she has terminal brain cancer. She is a junior at A&M."
(from the crowd)"woop."
- Alum from any other college. It's a school. You went there. So what. If you're older than 24 and college is still the highlight of your life - it's because you don't have a life yet. Get one. I'm going to start mentioning my elementary school all the time and showing up to as many PE classes as I can, to catch the games. I'm going to make the school song the ring tone for my cell phone. I'm going to give people from other elementary schools crap for not going to my school.
- Office cool guy. If you think this describes you, then it surely doesn't. If you're guilty of any of the following, you're not the cool guy, you're the office loser:
Saying - "It's almost beer o'clock!" (or "It's beer:30!")
Over 40, flirting with the girls fresh out of college. You're a loser and a perv. If the girl likes it, she's a loser.
Always trashing your wife, announcing how much you hate having to go home to your family. Some psycho should use you to add to his human spine and brain collection.
Bragging that you're an alcoholic.
Cussing all the time, no matter who's around, even ladies.
- Mr. tattoo. If you think tattoos make you look cool, consider the guys who gave you the tattoo. You aren't original if your tattoo is...
Chinese script, on your ankle, a fish, a cross, a sun, on the lower part of your back, or a combination of any of these
Sorry if this has been a little scattered. I've been trying to finish it for 2 days, but hardly ever got a chance. Nevertheless, comments are appreciated as always. Not commenting is like not tipping your waiter.
It's all crap. Just be yourself. You may be pretty shallow, but it's not until you commit to a lifetime of role-playing or conforming that you truly become empty. And there are a lot of empty people. If you were made unique - BE unique. And we were all made unique. But the truth is, if you refuse to really be yourself, you will lose yourself. You'll be like those old films - kept in a closet so long, the celluloid disintegrates into nothing and the film is gone forever.
There's a difference between manufacturing your identity and just being really into something and feeling pride toward it. Here's a short list of some examples and you can decide in which camp each belongs.
- Aggies. I'll try not to wave my opinion around too much on these, but give me a break. It's where you went to school, not a place where the gods forged your soul and made you the chosen people. Get over it - move on. No one is impressed that you're an Aggie. Here's a scene that will never happen. Ever...
Manager announcing a new employee at the office: "Everyone, this is Bill. Bill was with IBM for 2 years and, before that, graduated from A&M."
Aggies in the crowd: (various) "Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!"
Person in crowd: (reacting to Aggies) "Man - that's really cool!"
The most pathetic a person can get...
(listening to a prayer request)
"And Pray for Susan, who just found out she has terminal brain cancer. She is a junior at A&M."
(from the crowd)"woop."
- Alum from any other college. It's a school. You went there. So what. If you're older than 24 and college is still the highlight of your life - it's because you don't have a life yet. Get one. I'm going to start mentioning my elementary school all the time and showing up to as many PE classes as I can, to catch the games. I'm going to make the school song the ring tone for my cell phone. I'm going to give people from other elementary schools crap for not going to my school.
- Office cool guy. If you think this describes you, then it surely doesn't. If you're guilty of any of the following, you're not the cool guy, you're the office loser:
Saying - "It's almost beer o'clock!" (or "It's beer:30!")
Over 40, flirting with the girls fresh out of college. You're a loser and a perv. If the girl likes it, she's a loser.
Always trashing your wife, announcing how much you hate having to go home to your family. Some psycho should use you to add to his human spine and brain collection.
Bragging that you're an alcoholic.
Cussing all the time, no matter who's around, even ladies.
- Mr. tattoo. If you think tattoos make you look cool, consider the guys who gave you the tattoo. You aren't original if your tattoo is...
Chinese script, on your ankle, a fish, a cross, a sun, on the lower part of your back, or a combination of any of these
Sorry if this has been a little scattered. I've been trying to finish it for 2 days, but hardly ever got a chance. Nevertheless, comments are appreciated as always. Not commenting is like not tipping your waiter.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Bono and the Karma Police
This is a short article from World Magazine about Bono and Christianity...
Salty dogma
Bono gives an explicit confession of being saved by Grace, not Karma
by Gene Edward Veith
Is Bono, the lead singer and songwriter for the rock group U2, a Christian? He says he is and writes about Christianity in his lyrics. Yet many people question whether Bono is "really" a Christian, due to his notoriously bad language, liberal politics, and rock star antics (though he has been faithfully married for 23 years). But in a new book of interviews, Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas, Bono, though using some salty language, makes an explicit confession of faith.
The interviewer, Mr. Assayas, begins by asking Bono, Doesn't he think "appalling things" happen when people become religious? Bono counters, "It's a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the Universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma."
The interviewer asks, What's that? "At the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one," explains Bono. "And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that. . . . Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff."
The interviewer asks, Like what? "That's between me and God. But I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge," says Bono. "It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity."
Then the interviewer marvels, "The Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. I wish I could believe in that."
"The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death," replies Bono. "It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of Heaven."
The interviewer marvels some more: "That's a great idea, no denying it. Such great hope is wonderful, even though it's close to lunacy, in my view. Christ has His rank among the world's great thinkers. But Son of God, isn't that farfetched?"
Bono comes back, "Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: He was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says, No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: 'I'm the Messiah.' I'm saying: 'I am God incarnate.' . . . So what you're left with is either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase. . . . The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me that's farfetched."
What is most interesting in this exchange is the reaction of the interviewer, to whom Bono is, in effect, witnessing. This hip rock journalist starts by scorning what he thinks is Christianity. But it is as if he had never heard of grace, the atonement, the deity of Christ, the gospel. And he probably hadn't. But when he hears what Christianity is actually all about, he is amazed.
Salty dogma
Bono gives an explicit confession of being saved by Grace, not Karma
by Gene Edward Veith
Is Bono, the lead singer and songwriter for the rock group U2, a Christian? He says he is and writes about Christianity in his lyrics. Yet many people question whether Bono is "really" a Christian, due to his notoriously bad language, liberal politics, and rock star antics (though he has been faithfully married for 23 years). But in a new book of interviews, Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas, Bono, though using some salty language, makes an explicit confession of faith.
The interviewer, Mr. Assayas, begins by asking Bono, Doesn't he think "appalling things" happen when people become religious? Bono counters, "It's a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the Universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma."
The interviewer asks, What's that? "At the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one," explains Bono. "And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that. . . . Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff."
The interviewer asks, Like what? "That's between me and God. But I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge," says Bono. "It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity."
Then the interviewer marvels, "The Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. I wish I could believe in that."
"The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death," replies Bono. "It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of Heaven."
The interviewer marvels some more: "That's a great idea, no denying it. Such great hope is wonderful, even though it's close to lunacy, in my view. Christ has His rank among the world's great thinkers. But Son of God, isn't that farfetched?"
Bono comes back, "Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: He was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says, No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: 'I'm the Messiah.' I'm saying: 'I am God incarnate.' . . . So what you're left with is either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase. . . . The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me that's farfetched."
What is most interesting in this exchange is the reaction of the interviewer, to whom Bono is, in effect, witnessing. This hip rock journalist starts by scorning what he thinks is Christianity. But it is as if he had never heard of grace, the atonement, the deity of Christ, the gospel. And he probably hadn't. But when he hears what Christianity is actually all about, he is amazed.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
In The Studio With Sam
In case you aren't going to be at Baylor Hospital anytime soon, here are two of the pics of Sam that are blown up really big and on some of the walls in the Labor & Delivery wing...
Monday, August 15, 2005
Common Courtesy (Part 2)
Germ Warfare. Personal Space. Slow Motion.
- If you cough, cover your mouth. But you defeat the purpose if you then touch everything with your snotted hand.
- Don't smack when you eat or chew gum. This is something I learned at 5, how can so many people still be clueless to this?? There are times, at a restaurant, at work, at a movie, when I feel like I'm the only one around who isn't a Viking. It looks nasty, it sounds nasty. Some people I know smack so loud even Helen Keller would get pissed.
- If you yawn, go against the natural urge and keep your mouth shut. No one wants a hot gust of your gut.
- More than two sniffs means get a Kleenex.
- If you're one of those people who loudly clears your throat every now and then, know that the people around you are mad at you.
- If you can't speak English, you should be restricted to answering customer service calls from your native country. I am very polite on the phone, but if I get one more customer service rep who only speaks, I mean slurs, broken English, I'm going to tell them someone's in my house, trying to kill me and this is the only number I could call because my phone is broken.
"He left! He said I'm not who he wanted. He wants someone named Patel."
"But Patel is ME!!"
- I also have a hard time when support is talking to me on the phone, stepping me through something on the computer or with my cable at home and they go 1mph. I start saying my "okay, okay"s faster and faster to give them the message that I'm not that stupid or slow. It's like running underwater.
- If you're walking down a hall or lane, pick a side. Since we're in America, go with the right side. When you walk in the middle, I'm forced to be the sucker stuck behind you or the jerk squeezing past you.
- Don't talk about yourself like you're some cool movie character. No one should ever say, "I'm crazy, but not that crazy!" or "That's a little wild - even for me!". Until there's a movie about you, keep the catch phrases to yourself. And there's never going to be a movie about you, stupid.
- If you cough, cover your mouth. But you defeat the purpose if you then touch everything with your snotted hand.
- Don't smack when you eat or chew gum. This is something I learned at 5, how can so many people still be clueless to this?? There are times, at a restaurant, at work, at a movie, when I feel like I'm the only one around who isn't a Viking. It looks nasty, it sounds nasty. Some people I know smack so loud even Helen Keller would get pissed.
- If you yawn, go against the natural urge and keep your mouth shut. No one wants a hot gust of your gut.
- More than two sniffs means get a Kleenex.
- If you're one of those people who loudly clears your throat every now and then, know that the people around you are mad at you.
- If you can't speak English, you should be restricted to answering customer service calls from your native country. I am very polite on the phone, but if I get one more customer service rep who only speaks, I mean slurs, broken English, I'm going to tell them someone's in my house, trying to kill me and this is the only number I could call because my phone is broken.
"He left! He said I'm not who he wanted. He wants someone named Patel."
"But Patel is ME!!"
- I also have a hard time when support is talking to me on the phone, stepping me through something on the computer or with my cable at home and they go 1mph. I start saying my "okay, okay"s faster and faster to give them the message that I'm not that stupid or slow. It's like running underwater.
- If you're walking down a hall or lane, pick a side. Since we're in America, go with the right side. When you walk in the middle, I'm forced to be the sucker stuck behind you or the jerk squeezing past you.
- Don't talk about yourself like you're some cool movie character. No one should ever say, "I'm crazy, but not that crazy!" or "That's a little wild - even for me!". Until there's a movie about you, keep the catch phrases to yourself. And there's never going to be a movie about you, stupid.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Too Much of a Good Thing...
Moderation really is the key.
I worked with a camp counselor in college who swore that citrus was the key. But moderation is truly the key.
- Some people like it hot and some like it cold. Too hot or too cold sucks for everyone.
- You should be nice, but not too nice. And yes, it's possible to be too nice.
- Be cautious, but not too cautious.
- Think things through, but don't overthink. Most things aren't riddles. If you just can't seem to figure out a problem - you might be the problem.
- Do your job, but don't make it your life. If the only new thing you ever have to report to friends and family is about work - get a life. Or fix it.
- Eat right, but not too right. Don't be Louie Anderson, but really don't be Karen Carpenter. Of the two, the one who didn't sing "We've only just begun to live..." is the one who's still living.
- Be sensitive, but not too sensitive. Sensitivity breeds tact. Too much sensitivity breeds complete self-absorbtion.
- Exercise, but don't overdo it. If you spend nearly all day, every day thinking about your body, or working hard to improve it - and it's not physical therapy - you're shallow and self-absorbed.
- Be firm, when you need to, but not too firm. Don't be a door mat, but don't make conflict your thing. Be like the Russian Police...stern, but fair.
- Commit to things, but don't over-commit. It's one of the jacked up things with our society. Your value isn't determined by how many things you're involved in. A kid should be on a team, but he shouldn't always rush from school to soccer to karate to Boy Scouts (grab a burger) to Indian Guides to BSF to church to bed. Somebody needs to smack, punch, pile-drive, and whip some sense into parents who make their kids do that. Parents who are, themselves, that busy should be kneecapped. Have them stop by anytime.
But you can't smile at your kid too much. Unless it's while you're spanking him or putting him to bed. Then you look like a total psycho. And make sure you blink - it's freaky looking to smile all the time and not blink.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
"They call me Bruce."
Our dog, Bruce, is really beginning to show some brains. Not literally. Not yet.
Here are some things he's learned to do in the month since we got him:
- He knows his name, already making him smarter than our last dog.
- When he needs to go to the bathroom, he walks to the door and rings the little bell we've hung. And waits.
- When Sam is taking a nap, Bruce takes a nap. Nicole can walk up and down the hall and Bruce won't budge. Once Sam wakes up, he knows it's okay to follow Nicole down the hall.
- When Sam is playing with a toy on the floor, Bruce will try to steal it. They fight and wrestle all the time. I'm afraid to admit who I root for.
- Bruce regularly takes some of Sam's toys over to his own play area, which we've made a small replica of Sam's play area. The thing is, he only takes the very best toys. Somehow, he knows.
- He's obsessed with me. When I'm gone, he wanders into the room where my shoes or dirty clothes are, and that's where he naps and retreats for solace.
He's a cool dog. I think I'm going to call the Korean restaurant down the street and tell them I'm no longer interested in selling him.
Here are some things he's learned to do in the month since we got him:
- He knows his name, already making him smarter than our last dog.
- When he needs to go to the bathroom, he walks to the door and rings the little bell we've hung. And waits.
- When Sam is taking a nap, Bruce takes a nap. Nicole can walk up and down the hall and Bruce won't budge. Once Sam wakes up, he knows it's okay to follow Nicole down the hall.
- When Sam is playing with a toy on the floor, Bruce will try to steal it. They fight and wrestle all the time. I'm afraid to admit who I root for.
- Bruce regularly takes some of Sam's toys over to his own play area, which we've made a small replica of Sam's play area. The thing is, he only takes the very best toys. Somehow, he knows.
- He's obsessed with me. When I'm gone, he wanders into the room where my shoes or dirty clothes are, and that's where he naps and retreats for solace.
He's a cool dog. I think I'm going to call the Korean restaurant down the street and tell them I'm no longer interested in selling him.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Revenge of the Morlocks
I don't get it. I hate it.
High school drop-out, cry baby, wimp, druggie, drunk, show-off, adulterer, liar, agnostic, insecure, irrational, non-committal, loser.
Stick that person in a movie, on a magazine cover, on a CD, on the red carpet, on a field, and instantly - the only description is "celebrity." And a celebrity can control us. Not since our mothers when we were babies has anyone else controlled what we wear, where we buy it, how we talk, what we eat, if we eat, what we like, what we hate, what we think, and what we believe. Why would anyone put their entire identity in the hands of a screw-up?
I'm not as jacked up as a lot of people when it comes to this, but I, too, have granted celebrities an unnecessary amount of influence on me.
Why doesn't society see these people for who they are? It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy to think of the average Christian teenage girl answering the question of who would be at her fantasy dinner: "Jesus and Brad Pitt."
The sleaze of society run society. People ignore what a political expert has to say about a candidate, but passionately and blindly agree with the views of someone who was kicked out of high school and made his/her break in a Mountain Dew ad by sleeping with all three producers. They're too stupid to bathe, but girls spend a fortune buying the bath products they endorse.
Wake up.
"But unbeknownst to the time traveler, that society is built on the back of a much darker one, the underground world of the "Morlock," who supply the Eloi's every need in order to harvest them like cattle."
High school drop-out, cry baby, wimp, druggie, drunk, show-off, adulterer, liar, agnostic, insecure, irrational, non-committal, loser.
Stick that person in a movie, on a magazine cover, on a CD, on the red carpet, on a field, and instantly - the only description is "celebrity." And a celebrity can control us. Not since our mothers when we were babies has anyone else controlled what we wear, where we buy it, how we talk, what we eat, if we eat, what we like, what we hate, what we think, and what we believe. Why would anyone put their entire identity in the hands of a screw-up?
I'm not as jacked up as a lot of people when it comes to this, but I, too, have granted celebrities an unnecessary amount of influence on me.
Why doesn't society see these people for who they are? It drives me crazy. It drives me crazy to think of the average Christian teenage girl answering the question of who would be at her fantasy dinner: "Jesus and Brad Pitt."
The sleaze of society run society. People ignore what a political expert has to say about a candidate, but passionately and blindly agree with the views of someone who was kicked out of high school and made his/her break in a Mountain Dew ad by sleeping with all three producers. They're too stupid to bathe, but girls spend a fortune buying the bath products they endorse.
Wake up.
"But unbeknownst to the time traveler, that society is built on the back of a much darker one, the underground world of the "Morlock," who supply the Eloi's every need in order to harvest them like cattle."
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