These are things I happen to be thinking of now. When I think of other things, I'll post them (hence, Part I).
- If you drive someone's car for less than one week, there is no reason to adjust everything adjustable to suit your body-type and/or preference. You can make do the way it is - they sacrifice the car, you sacrifice some comfort. My grandmother is shorter than Webster and I've never adjusted anything, when driving her car. If you borrowed someone's shirt for a date or something, you wouldn't have the sleeves altered.
- Still on the car theme...If you are a guest in someone's car (aka a passenger), treat it as if you were a guest in their house. When you're in someone's house, you don't immediately start opening all of the closets and drawers to see what's in them. So when you're in someone's car, don't be one of those people who can't sit still and starts opening the glove box, the console, and anything else that can be messed with.
- Still on the guest theme...If you're a guest in someone's house, don't put your feet, especially your shoes, on their sofa. Some people even put their shoed feet on the little pillows on the sofa. I sometimes rest on the sofa and I don't want to put my face when your shoes have been. Or your socks, or your feet.
Enough personal space - on to comunity space...
- Don't sit in the right lane at an intersection, unless you're about to turn right. Don't drive in the left lane, unless you're going to exceed the flow of traffic. Leave your blinker on all day long, I don't care. But learn to master keeping your foot on the gas pedal while dialing on your cell phone. It isn't exactly rubbing your stomach and patting your head.
- Elevators are cell phone free zones. If you not only talk on your cell phone while in the elevator, but also maintain the same volume needed when you were coming in the building from the parking lot, you should be quartered. I know that's brutal, but so is making me listen to you talk about how your daughter is trying out for cheerleader, or listen to you repeatedly yell "Hello??" when it's obvious the signal was lost.
- At work, if you choose to listen to music, as most of us do, turn up the volume just enough to get the job done. If you can easily hear every instrument used in the song, chances are the people next to you can, too. Your taste in music is probably different than that of those around you. They don't make you listen to their Celine Dion, you don't make them listen to your Matchbox 20.
- Wash your hands after you use the restroom!! I have been in the restroom at work and seen some of my co-workers leave the facility without as much as a courtesy soapless hand rinse. I'm usually very polite, but when this happens, it's my duty to tell everyone else in the office to watch out because so-and-so has pee on their hands. You get some pee on your hand (not to mention what you're touching), your hand touches a door knob, I touch that door knob, I scratch my face, I hug and kiss my wife, she kisses my son, he sucks on his pacifier, and because of your barbaric sanitary habits - you've peed on my son's pacifier! For that, you should be quartered.
- If you take your dog on a walk and he goes #2 in someone's yard, use the plastic bag you're supposed to have with you and pick up the poop. I have a yard and sometimes my wife walks barefoot in it. By not doing your duty by cleaning up your dog's doodie, you're basically putting my wife's foot in your dog's rectum.
I think that's good for now. Comment and let me know what you think, America!
v. quar·tered, quar·ter·ing, quar·ters
1. To divide into four equal or equivalent parts.
2. To divide or separate into a number of parts.
3. To dismember (a human body) into four parts.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Friday, July 22, 2005
Growing Up
This has been a big week for Sam...
Last week, he started 'scooting' around on the floor to grab either a toy or the much coveted Cheerio. When I say scooting, I mean he looked like someone who had just lost their legs in battle, frantically trying to get back to the foxhole. A lot of people call this the marine crawl, but I prefer calling it "Lieutenant Dan."
Anyway, yesterday, Sam made the leap from scooting to full-fledged crawling. He discovered his knees. He'll only get better and better at crawling and his being mobile will surely change all of our lives. As if that wasn't enough for one week, he woke up this morning with a bottom tooth! Last night was kind of a rough one for him, as he woke up several times. He now has a bottom tooth that has just broken the surface, with the one next to it not far behind. Sam is growing up.
I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to see my baby boy grow and develop into a real kid. At the same time, I'm sad to see so many fun stages being left behind. I can't wait to watch him really grow up, but I would gladly spend the rest of my life holding him in the middle of the night and watching him slowly fall asleep. There's just nothing like seeing his big blue eyes fight to stay open so he can keep looking at me. I imagine that even if I live to be 100 years old, and someone gives me the chance to re-live part of my life, rocking Sam in the middle of the night will probably be at the top of my list.
That, and when I watched the series premiere of ALF. Wow...goosebumps.
Last week, he started 'scooting' around on the floor to grab either a toy or the much coveted Cheerio. When I say scooting, I mean he looked like someone who had just lost their legs in battle, frantically trying to get back to the foxhole. A lot of people call this the marine crawl, but I prefer calling it "Lieutenant Dan."
Anyway, yesterday, Sam made the leap from scooting to full-fledged crawling. He discovered his knees. He'll only get better and better at crawling and his being mobile will surely change all of our lives. As if that wasn't enough for one week, he woke up this morning with a bottom tooth! Last night was kind of a rough one for him, as he woke up several times. He now has a bottom tooth that has just broken the surface, with the one next to it not far behind. Sam is growing up.
I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to see my baby boy grow and develop into a real kid. At the same time, I'm sad to see so many fun stages being left behind. I can't wait to watch him really grow up, but I would gladly spend the rest of my life holding him in the middle of the night and watching him slowly fall asleep. There's just nothing like seeing his big blue eyes fight to stay open so he can keep looking at me. I imagine that even if I live to be 100 years old, and someone gives me the chance to re-live part of my life, rocking Sam in the middle of the night will probably be at the top of my list.
That, and when I watched the series premiere of ALF. Wow...goosebumps.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Sunglasses
I don't understand why so many people are obsessed with keeping their sunglasses on their person. You see it all the time - people either have them over their eyes or on their head. If you're a girl, I can understand. A lot of girls use sunglasses to keep hair out of their face. But guys are doing it, too. Its like a fashion thing. At what point have you been inside long enough to say to yourself, "I guess I'm here for a while - might as well take these things off my head and grab them when I leave." And it is not better, but worse, when a guy sticks his sunglasses on his hat. Dude - your hat doesn't have eyes. It makes the person's hat look like one of the ones you get at the state fair - the kind with clapping hands or a duck bill. People who do this look like suckers who bought the most unimaginative novelty hat, ever.
You can make it all the way to your car without your shades - try it. Or, hang them out of your shirt collar - front or back. It's still better and looks much less like you're wearing a bow in your hair.
No one has eyes more sensitive than mine. When I was in school, as soon as the air/heat would kick on in class, my eyes would tear up. I can't count the number of times people came up to me and said, "Are you okay?" That said, if my eyes can handle a little sunshine, so can yours.
You can make it all the way to your car without your shades - try it. Or, hang them out of your shirt collar - front or back. It's still better and looks much less like you're wearing a bow in your hair.
No one has eyes more sensitive than mine. When I was in school, as soon as the air/heat would kick on in class, my eyes would tear up. I can't count the number of times people came up to me and said, "Are you okay?" That said, if my eyes can handle a little sunshine, so can yours.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Breakfast - Anytime
I was just talking to my cousin, Sam, who is a doctor working in Kansas City. I promise that not everyone is my family is named Sam - just my cousin and my son, who is named after my cousin, who is named after Sam Kinneson, the late comedian and, according to my cousin, misunderstood genius. (Cousin) Sam is in his residency as an ER doc and pulling some weird shifts. I asked him if, before a 6pm shift, he eats breakfast or dinner.
This is something I've wondered before: are meal types determined by where they fall in relation to the rest of our day, or by where they fall on the clock? Also, when did people start eating specific food just for breakfast? In the old days, on the farm, people ate fried chicken and everything else for breakfast. It was truly the most important meal of the day. Then, I guess people on the farm started eating steak and eggs, then didn't have time for the steak and just ate the eggs, etc. Maybe some people realized, "Hey - when I eat these huge breakfasts, I end up on the pot all day." Who knows.
So, what about all of the people who work the night shift? Do they continue to eat breakfast after the shift is over and dinner right before they go to work? For many of us, our stomach can't handle something heavy right after waking up. So do they have to wake up from a long sleep and stumble into the kitchen for some hot coffee and jambalaya? Or spaghetti? On the other end, after a long day's work, do they hook up with friends for a beer and some Fruity Pebbles?
I happen to love breakfast for dinner. It was a Sunday night staple in our house, growing up. Everytime I have hot biscuits with butter and syrup, I hear the theme to "Murder, She Wrote."
As for the night shift folks, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're screwed.
This is something I've wondered before: are meal types determined by where they fall in relation to the rest of our day, or by where they fall on the clock? Also, when did people start eating specific food just for breakfast? In the old days, on the farm, people ate fried chicken and everything else for breakfast. It was truly the most important meal of the day. Then, I guess people on the farm started eating steak and eggs, then didn't have time for the steak and just ate the eggs, etc. Maybe some people realized, "Hey - when I eat these huge breakfasts, I end up on the pot all day." Who knows.
So, what about all of the people who work the night shift? Do they continue to eat breakfast after the shift is over and dinner right before they go to work? For many of us, our stomach can't handle something heavy right after waking up. So do they have to wake up from a long sleep and stumble into the kitchen for some hot coffee and jambalaya? Or spaghetti? On the other end, after a long day's work, do they hook up with friends for a beer and some Fruity Pebbles?
I happen to love breakfast for dinner. It was a Sunday night staple in our house, growing up. Everytime I have hot biscuits with butter and syrup, I hear the theme to "Murder, She Wrote."
As for the night shift folks, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're screwed.
Banana Peel
Is a banana peel supposed to stink? I have some bananas in my office and the bottom part of the peel of every banana stinks. Is that normal? I'm afraid to eat any of them now. Man - I was so excited to have all of these bananas here. I'll list the alleged benefits of eating bananas:
Bananas: Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey, undertaken by MIND, amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over- acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high- potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
I'll blog more about banana peel stink and some of my other quirks, later.
Bananas: Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey, undertaken by MIND, amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over- acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high- potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
I'll blog more about banana peel stink and some of my other quirks, later.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Coldplay - The new Jonestown Koolaid
I don't get it - why is everyone so into Coldplay?? I listen to i-tunes all day, as I'm sure many of you do. Up here, we can also access everyone else's i-tunes in the office and listen away. Well, I've always thought of Coldplay as the antidote to music that's enjoyable to listen to. When 'Yellow' was all the rage, I thought it was a fluke and tried to ignore it. Now, with their new album, X & Y, the world's fascination with this band has finally gotten to me. What's the big deal? How can anyone listen to more than two Coldplay songs in a row without falling into a hypnotic state and fashioning a noose out of the closest rope, cord, or hose? And Chris Martin - dude, what's with that guy's voice?? How is it cool to go back and forth from normal to falsetto? To me, all Coldplay songs are repetitive, similar sounding drones. If aliens existed, and we discovered that they were using Coldplay songs to turn our brains into soup, I wouldn't have any trouble believing it. After all, Coldplay IS the official music of the brainless, entranced, and probed earthling.
The Good, The Bad, and Jessica Simpson
I have two celebrities as neighbors. They both live right across the street and have become my friends. One is an elderly man named Danny Glover. Actually, he prefers 'Dan', but I refer to him as 'Danny' when he's not around. Sometimes I call him Roger Murtaugh, but that's one of the many hilarious references that no one around me gets. Next to Roger is my good friend Dave Penny. He harks from Zimbabwe and happens to look and sound exactly like Rod "Forever Young" Stewart. This brings me to the topic at hand: Rod Stewart sucks. People's taste in music is the mystery of the universe.
The question is: Is music taste really subjective, or is it simply inversely related to a person's ignorance? The ignorance argument definitely has a strong case, and the only one with real evidence. Boy bands, Jessica Simpson (whose face, when she sings, is like that Nazi's face at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark), Aaron Carter, and any of the songs used in shows on the WB - all are targeted to tweens and teens. Going one step further - lullabies. I have a 9 month old son named Sam, so I know about these songs. They suck. They're targeted to people who crap their pants.
But what about the other music out there? Let's use me as an example. There was a time when I thought Radiohead was a loser band with only one good song, Creep. Then I was enlightened and now I own all of their albums and a fair amount of B-sides. What about contemporary Christian music? There is some stuff that I think is awesome, but its mostly on the same tier as the music of some teenage youth group guys who write a song for the last night of youth camp. Lots of generics in the music and the lyrics. Luckily, there are some bands out there that really know what they're doing.
That brings us to the subjective argument: people like what they want to like. Even to the point, I believe, of being blind to the inherent quality of the music. If Christian music was really awesome, wouldn't non-Christians listen to it, regardless of their beliefs? I mean, many Christians like music by druggies who only sing about sleeping with someone they hardly know or about partyin'. Many Christians listen to Christian music like a mother listens to her son's music - they like it before they hear it and fully support it. I think that's fine. But what of the musician? Shouldn't the music be a means of getting non-believers to embrace the message? I think many of the Christian musicians live in the bubble of Believers and don't feel the burden of producing quality. For many of the songs, take God out of the lyrics and you've got Journey's long, lost B-side crap.
I'm too tired of talking about this to delve into the world of Country music. Some of it is awesome and timeless. Most of it is a contrived Hallmark card sung by some guy who's proud to be an uneducated hick.
Of course, I love Tom Jones, so what do I know?
The question is: Is music taste really subjective, or is it simply inversely related to a person's ignorance? The ignorance argument definitely has a strong case, and the only one with real evidence. Boy bands, Jessica Simpson (whose face, when she sings, is like that Nazi's face at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark), Aaron Carter, and any of the songs used in shows on the WB - all are targeted to tweens and teens. Going one step further - lullabies. I have a 9 month old son named Sam, so I know about these songs. They suck. They're targeted to people who crap their pants.
But what about the other music out there? Let's use me as an example. There was a time when I thought Radiohead was a loser band with only one good song, Creep. Then I was enlightened and now I own all of their albums and a fair amount of B-sides. What about contemporary Christian music? There is some stuff that I think is awesome, but its mostly on the same tier as the music of some teenage youth group guys who write a song for the last night of youth camp. Lots of generics in the music and the lyrics. Luckily, there are some bands out there that really know what they're doing.
That brings us to the subjective argument: people like what they want to like. Even to the point, I believe, of being blind to the inherent quality of the music. If Christian music was really awesome, wouldn't non-Christians listen to it, regardless of their beliefs? I mean, many Christians like music by druggies who only sing about sleeping with someone they hardly know or about partyin'. Many Christians listen to Christian music like a mother listens to her son's music - they like it before they hear it and fully support it. I think that's fine. But what of the musician? Shouldn't the music be a means of getting non-believers to embrace the message? I think many of the Christian musicians live in the bubble of Believers and don't feel the burden of producing quality. For many of the songs, take God out of the lyrics and you've got Journey's long, lost B-side crap.
I'm too tired of talking about this to delve into the world of Country music. Some of it is awesome and timeless. Most of it is a contrived Hallmark card sung by some guy who's proud to be an uneducated hick.
Of course, I love Tom Jones, so what do I know?
Coldplay - The new Jonestown Kool-aid
I don't get it - why is everyone so into Coldplay?? I listen to i-tunes all day, as I'm sure many of you do. Up here, we can also access everyone else's i-tunes in the office and listen away. Well, I've always thought of Coldplay as the antidote to music that's enjoyable to listen to. When 'Yellow' was all the rage, I thought it was a fluke and tried to ignore it. Now, with their new album, X & Y, the world's fascination with this band has finally gotten to me. What's the big deal? How can anyone listen to more than two Coldplay songs in a row without falling into a hypnotic state and fashioning a noose out of the closest rope, cord, or hose? And Chris Martin - dude, what's with that guy's voice?? How is it cool to go back and forth from normal to falsetto? To me, all Coldplay songs are repetitive, similar sounding drones. If aliens existed, and we discovered that they were using Coldplay songs to turn our brains into soup, I wouldn't have any trouble believing it. After all, Coldplay IS the official music of the brainless, entranced, and probed earthling.
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