There are a lot of things about our culture that baffle me. Nearing the top of the list is the pervasiveness of talk radio. I hate talk radio. Everything about it. I hate it.
To me, there is nothing worse than being stuck in a confined space (a car) and having to listen to some pompous, opinionated loud-mouth go on and on with some assumed expertise on a topic. Listen to these guys - I can almost guarantee you each one of them has a mirror in front of them as they talk. There is so much arrogance in their tone. It's bad enough when someone thinks everyone wants to hear what they have to say, but these people are even paid for it.
Ask yourself this: would you enjoy it if that person on the radio was actually in your car, talking to you that way? You'd say, "Slow down, quit shouting, quit patronizing me."
Talk show hosts who are all about politics are the worst. They are so opinionated, why would you listen to them? It's not like you're hearing an accurate account of any situation or issue.
Plus, I hate commercials because I just don't like to hear people talk loud and fast. These guys are like a long commercial - and it's a commercial about them!
Listen to music - music is awesome. When a musician has nothing on his mind, he doesn't record anything, yet these bombastic dorks sit at the mic every day. They ramble on and on, even when they have nothing to say. They don't get paid to teach, just to talk. Losers.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I don't get...
...paying more than I make in a year for a car.
...guys my age who wear dress shoes with shorts. Even the leather shoes with tassels!
...girls who wear pearls and makeup with sweats.
...thousands of dollars worth of rims, spinners, neon lights, or spoilers on a '91 POS Honda Civic.
...superstitions.
...Gilbert Gottfried.
...families who are so involved in stuff, they never just hang out.
...why so many ethnic older ladies drive looking like they're about to have diarrhea: slow, leaning forward, overly concentrating, in pain.
...how anyone could see boyband guys as anything but homos, or, being generous, bi's.
...techno.
...why Fear Factor has millions of fans, yet Arrested Development almost got canceled.
...mormons.
...why so many hardcore tough guys have really long hair. Granola girl long hair. How does long, flowing hair equal bad A?
...people who supply all of the food for the people who are too fat to walk or get out of bed. And they're usually poor!
...how trendy people can jump on the latest fashion bandwagon and not feel like insecure followers.
...how anyone could think the Academy Awards is anything more than marketing, butt-kissing, or political.
...why anyone would buy an expensive watch.
...how the ACLU is considered reputable by anyone with a functioning brain, including animals.
...why competing movie studios release almost identical movies at the same time (ex. Armacrappin/Deep Impact, Wyatt Earp/Tombstone, Volcano/Dante's Peak, Red Planet/Mission To Mars, Like Father Like Son/Vice Versa, etc.).
...husbands who never do dishes or clean up the house, thinking bringing home the dough fulfills their obligation.
...David "And that my friends...(long pause)...is a homicide" Caruso.
...Susan Sarandon or Tim Robbins.
...why any Kennedy has risen above being the drunk janitor at a junior college.
...why every guy doesn't have a buzz. It must be ignorance.
...guys my age who wear dress shoes with shorts. Even the leather shoes with tassels!
...girls who wear pearls and makeup with sweats.
...thousands of dollars worth of rims, spinners, neon lights, or spoilers on a '91 POS Honda Civic.
...superstitions.
...Gilbert Gottfried.
...families who are so involved in stuff, they never just hang out.
...why so many ethnic older ladies drive looking like they're about to have diarrhea: slow, leaning forward, overly concentrating, in pain.
...how anyone could see boyband guys as anything but homos, or, being generous, bi's.
...techno.
...why Fear Factor has millions of fans, yet Arrested Development almost got canceled.
...mormons.
...why so many hardcore tough guys have really long hair. Granola girl long hair. How does long, flowing hair equal bad A?
...people who supply all of the food for the people who are too fat to walk or get out of bed. And they're usually poor!
...how trendy people can jump on the latest fashion bandwagon and not feel like insecure followers.
...how anyone could think the Academy Awards is anything more than marketing, butt-kissing, or political.
...why anyone would buy an expensive watch.
...how the ACLU is considered reputable by anyone with a functioning brain, including animals.
...why competing movie studios release almost identical movies at the same time (ex. Armacrappin/Deep Impact, Wyatt Earp/Tombstone, Volcano/Dante's Peak, Red Planet/Mission To Mars, Like Father Like Son/Vice Versa, etc.).
...husbands who never do dishes or clean up the house, thinking bringing home the dough fulfills their obligation.
...David "And that my friends...(long pause)...is a homicide" Caruso.
...Susan Sarandon or Tim Robbins.
...why any Kennedy has risen above being the drunk janitor at a junior college.
...why every guy doesn't have a buzz. It must be ignorance.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
The Blacklist
I know no one reading this is currently applying for the position of being my best buddy, BUT if you belong to one or more of the groups below, you can forget about it.
- people who want to show you something on your computer and quickly decide to use your keyboard and mouse.
- people who lick their fingers to get the grease, cheese, whatever off.
- people who come to work when they're sick. they think they're like martyrs, giving it their all despite being sick and, probably contagious
- nail biters. if you're that hungry, get some food. some people go after their nails so hard, it's like watching Alive.
- people who speak in questions. and Then MY FRIEND?, he Went TO HOUSTON? it sounds like someone doing the scales on a piano.
- people who use the word 'tummy'. use stomach, belly, gut, or abdomen. no one older than 6 months has a tummy.
- people who say "don't go there" "I'm not gonna go there" "no you di-int"
- girls who refer to their friends as "chiquita" "chicky"
- people who refer to their parents as "madre and padre" "my parentals" or by their first name
- people who chew their ice, shake the cup, chew their ice, shake the cup, and so on...I can't stand the up and down sound of ice going from the bottom of the cup, up to someone's mouth, then back down
- people who are totally different around their significant other. if you are, you married the wrong person, dude. or they did.
- people who take things too seriously. not everything is deep. Example: you
- insecure parents. kids are kids. don't freak out and offer lame reasons or explanations when your kid cries or gets mad or screws up. it's a child. they act like children.
- people who want to show you something on your computer and quickly decide to use your keyboard and mouse.
- people who lick their fingers to get the grease, cheese, whatever off.
- people who come to work when they're sick. they think they're like martyrs, giving it their all despite being sick and, probably contagious
- nail biters. if you're that hungry, get some food. some people go after their nails so hard, it's like watching Alive.
- people who speak in questions. and Then MY FRIEND?, he Went TO HOUSTON? it sounds like someone doing the scales on a piano.
- people who use the word 'tummy'. use stomach, belly, gut, or abdomen. no one older than 6 months has a tummy.
- people who say "don't go there" "I'm not gonna go there" "no you di-int"
- girls who refer to their friends as "chiquita" "chicky"
- people who refer to their parents as "madre and padre" "my parentals" or by their first name
- people who chew their ice, shake the cup, chew their ice, shake the cup, and so on...I can't stand the up and down sound of ice going from the bottom of the cup, up to someone's mouth, then back down
- people who are totally different around their significant other. if you are, you married the wrong person, dude. or they did.
- people who take things too seriously. not everything is deep. Example: you
- insecure parents. kids are kids. don't freak out and offer lame reasons or explanations when your kid cries or gets mad or screws up. it's a child. they act like children.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Early Morning Observations
I notice certain things every morning on my drive to work. My commute is about 5 miles, so my observations are limited, but some things puzzle me:
- Why are so many people on their cell phone early in the morning? Have you noticed this? I try to figure out who they might be talking to, but none of the obvious options make sense...
When I leave to go to work, I say good-bye to Nicole, Sam, and Bruce, and exchange "I love you"s with each, even Bruce (I say 'I love you', he responds by licking himself and staring at me). There is no need for me to call any of them two minutes later and stay on the phone for the entire drive. I don't call the office and I doubt the people I'm referring to do either. And what friend calls another friend at 8am? I don't get it.
- Panhandlers. I get coffee at McDonalds basically every morning. I crave it like crazy. There is usually someone standing by the order screen, needing gas money. There are also people at the intersections. I know they're full of crap, so do they wake up early to an alarm in their apartment or house or mansion, put on their work rags, kiss their wife, drink coffee as they watch the news, run through the script options for the day (Out Of Gas, Prescription Money, Just Enough For Some Breakfast, etc.), then head to the "office"? I actually 'busted' a guy this morning. His script called for him to say "Hey dude [shake head and smirk], I know this looks bad, but I'm driving through here on my way to Houston and just need a little gas money. I'm sorry, dude." I responded with, "How many times are you going to use that story, dude? You've tried the same thing on me three times. " His response: "Gas prices are just so high - you know?" Me: "I know - it sucks. See ya later."
- Hooligans and their shenanigans. Have you noticed how early young punks are out walking the streets? I have wondered about this for a long time. Why are they up so early, and why are they walking around? Don't young people like to sleep in and watch TV? And aren't these the same punks who cause trouble at night? Do they work the night shift of hooliganning, just wrapping up the day when I see them? Or is there a night squad of punks and a morning squad?
- I also don't get how people can listen to serious talk radio in the morning. I'm a happy morning person, but I'm not in the mood to listen to some monotone, opinionated, pompous dude explain "what's really going on" with politics, current events, last night's game, the war, or gas prices. I need music in the morning.
- Why are so many people on their cell phone early in the morning? Have you noticed this? I try to figure out who they might be talking to, but none of the obvious options make sense...
When I leave to go to work, I say good-bye to Nicole, Sam, and Bruce, and exchange "I love you"s with each, even Bruce (I say 'I love you', he responds by licking himself and staring at me). There is no need for me to call any of them two minutes later and stay on the phone for the entire drive. I don't call the office and I doubt the people I'm referring to do either. And what friend calls another friend at 8am? I don't get it.
- Panhandlers. I get coffee at McDonalds basically every morning. I crave it like crazy. There is usually someone standing by the order screen, needing gas money. There are also people at the intersections. I know they're full of crap, so do they wake up early to an alarm in their apartment or house or mansion, put on their work rags, kiss their wife, drink coffee as they watch the news, run through the script options for the day (Out Of Gas, Prescription Money, Just Enough For Some Breakfast, etc.), then head to the "office"? I actually 'busted' a guy this morning. His script called for him to say "Hey dude [shake head and smirk], I know this looks bad, but I'm driving through here on my way to Houston and just need a little gas money. I'm sorry, dude." I responded with, "How many times are you going to use that story, dude? You've tried the same thing on me three times. " His response: "Gas prices are just so high - you know?" Me: "I know - it sucks. See ya later."
- Hooligans and their shenanigans. Have you noticed how early young punks are out walking the streets? I have wondered about this for a long time. Why are they up so early, and why are they walking around? Don't young people like to sleep in and watch TV? And aren't these the same punks who cause trouble at night? Do they work the night shift of hooliganning, just wrapping up the day when I see them? Or is there a night squad of punks and a morning squad?
- I also don't get how people can listen to serious talk radio in the morning. I'm a happy morning person, but I'm not in the mood to listen to some monotone, opinionated, pompous dude explain "what's really going on" with politics, current events, last night's game, the war, or gas prices. I need music in the morning.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Some...Others
Some people starve to feel pretty
Others starve to feed their kid
Some can't walk because they're handicapped
Others can't walk because they're drunk
Some people are enraged because society has turned it's back on them
Others are enraged because Daddy bought them the wrong Land Rover
Some run every morning to keep from getting love handles
Others run every morning to keep from getting beaten up
Some people lose their spouse to tragedy
Others lose their spouse to adultery
Some babies are neglected because they were born in the wrong country
Others are neglected because the parents miss their old life
Some kids are in daycare all day because the mom has to work
Others are in daycare all day because the mom has to work to feel important
Some girls are raped because the world can be cruel
Others are raped because they got too high to notice it
Some people dream of a bigger place to live so their kids don't have to sleep in the living room
Others dream of a bigger place to live so they'll feel rich
Some pray for a popular boyfriend or girlfriend
Others pray for a friend
Some are homeless because they're crazy
Others are homeless because they're lazy
Some people cry because they aren't pregnant
Others cry because they are
Others starve to feed their kid
Some can't walk because they're handicapped
Others can't walk because they're drunk
Some people are enraged because society has turned it's back on them
Others are enraged because Daddy bought them the wrong Land Rover
Some run every morning to keep from getting love handles
Others run every morning to keep from getting beaten up
Some people lose their spouse to tragedy
Others lose their spouse to adultery
Some babies are neglected because they were born in the wrong country
Others are neglected because the parents miss their old life
Some kids are in daycare all day because the mom has to work
Others are in daycare all day because the mom has to work to feel important
Some girls are raped because the world can be cruel
Others are raped because they got too high to notice it
Some people dream of a bigger place to live so their kids don't have to sleep in the living room
Others dream of a bigger place to live so they'll feel rich
Some pray for a popular boyfriend or girlfriend
Others pray for a friend
Some are homeless because they're crazy
Others are homeless because they're lazy
Some people cry because they aren't pregnant
Others cry because they are
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