Christmas Picture

I can't believe I have such a great looking wife and son. I'm sure the two of them will soon form a clique.

I hope Bruce likes movies.

Heels In The Dirt

There are very few moments in my life when I have wished that time could stand still. For the most part, I am very much interested in moving forward and I don't like to look back. Anyone who's been a good friend of mine knows that there is a seemingly endless catalog of certain songs I hate to hear, even for a second, because I start to feel like I'm being transported back in time. I don't know why, but that's always been an issue in my life.

But sometimes I just want to live in a state of suspended animation. One of the best examples of this is when I lived in Colorado for a summer. I had spent the last two years sitting in front of a computer at a boring job. Working at a camp in Colorado was the best thing that had happened to me in forever. I had amazing friends who I really grew to love, incredible surroundings, perfect weather, and a long bed Chevy 4x4 all to myself. At the time, my future after camp was totally unknown to me. Every day, I hoped that I could stay there with my friends for a really long time. Man, as bad as it sounds, boarding that plane back to Dallas was one of my all-time lows.

This is where I lived when I was in CO.


Last night, Nic and I were talking about our little boy. In case you don't know, we're those parents who are always hugging and kissing their kid, don't feel much of a need to have lots of 'date nights', and after our kid goes to bed, we sit and talk about him. In short, we really, really love Sam. So last night we were talking about him and how we want him to stay just like he is - forever. He's so funny and cute and happy. He's perfect, a diaper being the only reminder that he's human.

Fortunately, I know what happened after Colorado. While there, I accepted a job a Southwest Airlines, even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea ( I also got an offer to stay in Colorado). Though it was tough, I boarded that plane, which got me to Dallas, which got me to Southwest Airlines, which got me to Marketing, which got me to meet Nicole, which got us to become good friends, which got her to marry me, which got us to have Sam, which got us to sit last night and wish that he would stay exactly the same forever.

Okay.

He can keep growing up. It's cool.

Imponderables 1

I think of these all the time, but wait for a bunch to pile up in my head, and then typically forget all of them. So, I'm going to post them as they come to me.

Imponderable: Childrens Books

I don't understand people who publish childrens books. They must not have kids. At what point did the standard layout for childrens books be to put as few words on a page as possible?? Who is this aimed at helping? I doubt a kid who is old enough to read would be interested in the books I'm talking about, so the word count per page can't be to help them read. And it isn't because there is so much illustration on each page - most of the pages have a picture of a duck or owl just sitting there. So why are there so few words on a page? Even Max Lucado uses longer sentences that the ones in childrens books.

If the writers/publishers of these books had kids, they would know the level of coordination required to hold a kid with one arm, hold a bottle or something with one arm, hold the book with one arm, pick up the thrown bottle/sippy cup/pacifier/blanket/toy with one arm, and turn the pages with one arm. Of course, this is indeed possible for a mommy or daddy, but it isn't easy. It is serious insult to injury when we're forced to turn the page every 2 seconds because there are only 4 words on a page! Plus, every time I turn the page, I say "Let's turn the page." I'm genuinely afraid that someday Sam will reach a boiling point and I'll have to show up to a crime scene where several dead bodies lay and written in blood on the walls is: Let's Turn The Page!

Billy looked outside
let's turn the page
and saw a birdie
let's turn the page
the birdie had red feathers
let's turn the page
and a yellow beak
let's turn the page...


I think I'm going to transcribe all of Sam's books into PowerPoint. Then, I'll be able to swap "Let's turn the page" with "Next slide, please."

Dead Horses

To me, there aren't many things more pathetic than watching someone hopelessly cling to former glory, as if that part of their past is the last oxygen tank they have with them at the bottom of the ocean.

What made me think of this was seeing the king of all that is living in the past: Dana Carvey. I can't tell you how much I dislike Dana Carvey. Yeah, 10+ years ago, I thought he was funny. Closer to 20 years ago, I thought he was hilarious. Now, I think he's the saddest excuse for an entertainer around. Every time he comes on Leno, which is becoming less and less often, I'm more and more amazed when he finds a way to do: The Church Lady, Bush Sr., Arnold or someone from Austria, Ross Perot, or Johnny Carson. Are you kidding me?? Ross Perot! Is there any impression more dated than that? And he still has the shaggy hairdo, now with highlights and lots of hairspray to mask the gray and the thinning. How old is he? 50.

Ad Infinitum: movie sequels. I love movies more than anyone I know. Even the people I know who love movies don't love them as much as I do. To a movie buff, there isn't much that's cooler than a sequel, especially if you loved the predecessor. In the next year, we will all be treated to Die Hard 4 (4.0), Rocky 6, and Rambo 4. Admittedly, I can't wait for all three and will be there opening day. But I see how ridiculous these movies are.

Rambo 4: Cocoon
Tagline: "This golden pond is about to turn red...with blood!"


Digging fingernails into the road of life isn't restricted to celebrities, obviously. We live in a world where grown men dye their hair, people get face lifts, grandparents shop at the same stores as their grandkids, etc. In short, a lot of people have exchanged their outward message from "I'm old" to "I'm so freakin' stupid!!"

Your life shouldn't be a tableau of your hayday. Hold it too long and the audience will eventually leave.

The bus keeps moving along. If you spend the trip looking at pictures you've taken, you might miss some of the best scenery.

Trip To New York

Click on the picture to get a quick synopsis of our trip and see some great pics!


Comment HERE and let me know if you saw us on the Today Show. Some of you called my cell phone while I was standing right there and that was really cool.

Busy Weekend

We have a lot going on this weekend. It really feels like everything's going 100mph right now because I have a lot of stuff to do for work before I can leave on Monday. I'm hoping to do all of it today and a little Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow night will be huge! Can't wait to see U2. Even though we're on the last row, in the highest section, sitting next to potentially annoying people. Who cares - it's U2!

Sunday, we'll drive Sam to Tyler and leave him in the very capable hands of Nicole's parents and Nanny. Then we'll drive back and pack for the trip. I think our flight is really early Monday morning. I'll post something before we leave, but in case I don't, have a great week and I'll come back with a full report and pictures. Look for us in front of the Today Show. Yeah, we're dorks.

A Place Called Vertigo

It happened. You all doubted, but it happened. Out of the blue, a coworker who knew how badly I wanted to see U2 in concert, came up to me and offered two tickets. It seems one of the couples in his party is expecting a child. The lady isn't feeling so hot and they decided there was no way going to a concert was going to happen.

They offered the tickets for a very reasonable price. Absurdly reasonable. Being the nice guy you've all come to love, I told them they should consider selling them on ebay, where they could easily get a fortune for the tickets. Luckily, they declined. When you're pregnant and uncomfortable and you're getting ready for a new baby, fooling with ebay doesn't sound like fun.

So Nicole and I will be going to see U2 this Saturday night. We'll be in New York City for most of next week, so things are hoppin' at the Thomas house.

More to come...

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Dear friends - nay - loved ones...

I really want to go to the U2 concert in a couple of weeks. I basically never go to concerts and I don't like to spend money on anything that doesn't fall into one of the bottom two categories of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. But I really want to go to this concert. It actually falls under every category of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. And I can't find tickets.

If you're going to the concert and would be interested in giving me the ticket you've promised to one of your loser friends, I would really appreciate it. I will pay money for it. Good money.

What do you think??

Please help me, in the name of love.

Germ Warfare Part 1

Quickly, as I could spend the rest of my life talking about germs...

Infections from being in a hospital is the #4 biggest cause of death in America. More than AIDS, breast cancer, and auto accidents. Combined.

Next time I have a heart attack, I'll opt to leave my health in the somewhat capable hands of the jr. high punks who parade up and down my alley.

Suspension of Disbelief

It really amazes me how easily and repeatedly people are emotionally vulnerable to movies and TV. I really get into some movies and TV shows, so I'm as guilty as anyone. But not as bad as most. When they make movies, there are some tried and true devices that get people every time. Hollywood knows this, of course, and uses these devices regularly - and has been for close to 100 years!

- Time Bomb. For some reason, a timer on a bomb really gets to people. Even if it's in the first 5 minutes of a movie and the main characters are trying to dismantle the bomb, people still get anxiety and wonder if they're going to stop the timer in time. Example: Lethal Weapon 3. Whenever a movie needs some suspense, but doesn't have time to develop the scenario, a time bomb is used.

- To pull the emotional heart strings of an audience during, say, a natural disaster, dogs are used. For some reason, it's harder for the average audience member to see a dog in a meteor storm, than a human. This notion has even been tested and proven in reality. When Oprah went to visit New Orleans, it was the abandoned dog footage that jacked so many people up. Celebrity heroes are the ones who helped the dogs, not the ones who silently gave millions, like Steven Spielberg.


Here are some things you can know, and hopefully keep yourself from getting worked up when watching a movie or TV show:

1. The lead doesn't die. Unless it's like the end of the movie and it's part 5 or 6 - and it's clear it was in the actor's contract to die.

2. The good guys win. Their luck may be down and the bad guy may be laughing with his Euro-trash cronies, but the good guys always win. Don't worry.

3. That single girl who lives alone and comes home to a dark house...she's going to get attacked. If she isn't the lead, she might even get killed. But that's okay because that's usually when the scene changes and we're introduced to our hero.

4. If there are several close-up shots of someone getting in their car (key going in, etc.), there's a really good chance the car will blow up. Or if there's no music at all. There is almost always silence before an explosion in movies. Almost 100% of the time - check it out.

5. When someone jumps in their car because someone is after them, the car won't start right away. But it will eventually start.

6. If the hero is cornered by the villain and the villain has a gun pointed at him; don't worry because the gun will jam. The gun will always jam.

7. When someone walks in someone's house or office and the person in the house is silently sitting with their back to the camera, that person is dead. For some reason, their chair will slowly turn, revealing their face.

8. If there's a serial rapist or murderer who's been targeting random women for the whole movie, and there's a female lead, she WILL get attacked by him, but he WILL NOT rape or kill her. Somehow, she will manage to do what no other woman has done and get away. Rule 1.

9. The night that all of the crap is going down, there will be a bad storm and the power might go out. But don't worry: Rule 1, 2, and maybe 6 and 8.

10. If the female lead is taken prisoner by the villain, and frees herself, she will have to slowly walk passed him as he sleeps. He will snore and toss and turn, but she'll get away. Rule 1 and 8.

Of course, all of these rules are subject to being broken, as a means of messing with the audience.



"I am fearful when I see people substituting fear for reason."
- Klaatu

What I've Learned: The First Year

I have been a parent for exactly one year. Here are some things I've learned...



...People in your family think your kid looks just like you. People in your wife's family think her baby looks just like her. (Unless there's just no denying the resemblance.)

...There exists in the world people who don't think twice about sticking their finger in your baby's mouth to see if any teeth are coming in. Be afraid.

...Despite the cocaine epidemic in America, people instinctively don't like things going up their nose. Example: suction syringe.

...Before you feel too special, remember that your baby may think you're awesome, but your baby also thinks formula is awesome.

...Babies instinctively know when you've just gotten settled and comfy on the sofa. Then they instinctively cry.

...A parent is almost 100% of their baby's world. Make sure they think the only thing in the world is love.

...Even the most expensive perfumes in the world don't compare to J&J Baby Lotion. I think they put heroin in it.

...Any guy who gets more excited or motivated about his job than his child has his priorities screwed up. Check it out and you'll see an obvious bread trail all the way to a stockpile of selfishness.

...That first smile is like getting the best news of your life.

...Some parents are far more competitive and insecure than even the most annoying adolescent punk.

...Winsor Pilates has dramatically improved the quality of life for Daisy Fuentes, Danny Glover, and many others.

...Most of the crap you buy and think you're going to need gets in the way and keeps you from being able or organize the crap you actually need.

...It goes: Leno, Conan, Carson, Leno, Conan, Access Hollywood, Extra, afore-mentioned infomercial.

...Moms are special. The best dad may be the whole world to his kid, but the mom is still the universe.

...Treat and raise your kid in correlation to their age. Using tough love on an infant is like trying to get Helen Keller's attention at a mall by waving your arms and calling her name. Or trying to insult your dog through the use of literary references.

...If you smile really big when you're changing your boy's diaper, chances are you'll soon be gargling pee. Trust me.

...You can't hug and love on a baby too much. They can use as much as you can give.

...Some people hold babies about as well as Stephen Hawking plays hopscotch.

...Spit-up is no respecter of nice clothes.

...Sometimes, even if it's the middle of the night and you're totally exhausted, you just can't quit holding your sleeping kid. In that case, don't quit.

...Our baby wasn't colicky, but some of our friends had a baby who was. Colic isn't a reflection of the parent or child. It's just one of those things.

...Even in the middle of a huge red-faced, arm-shaking, glass-shattering, hysterical cry - a baby is always up for a good laugh.

...Most people who haven't had kids don't understand that your kid's drool, snot, boogers, puke, etc. are as benign to you as if they were from your own body.

...The people who design baby clothes have never changed a diaper. If they had, they would know that time is of the essence - 500 snaps just to close up the bottoms is a little excessive.

...No one is really ready for their first baby, but the baby's ready for you, so get on with it.

The Morning Person

Let me go ahead and expose the lie: there is no such thing as a "morning person." Because of this, there can be no such thing as someone who is "not a morning person."

Who you are in the morning is nothing more than the result of habit, attitude, and choice. Indulging in this concept of a morning person, I would be considered the morning person's arch enemy: the night owl. Yet, I still wake up with a smile on my face, in a good mood. My wife is the same way - she's happy and funny in the morning.

When you wake up, open your eyes - don't furl your brow and try not to look at anything. Don't mumble. Don't walk into the room where people are and just plop in the sofa. Talk. Be happy.

Do something that makes you less of a baby than you were when you were a baby. When you mope in the morning, you're only two steps from drinking milk from a bottle and crapping in your pants.