A Simple Task

The other day, my neighbor across the street asked me to pick up his newspapers for him while he left town for a couple of days. He's a really nice old guy, so I happily agreed. It was really important to me to make sure I came through for him, mainly because of a previous mishap. Anyway, I got the newspapers, no problem. The morning he came back in town, I made sure to remember to get those papers to him ASAP. I put them in the one place I knew I'd see them, to remind me: the shower. I took them out of their plastic bags and hung them over the towel rack in the shower. A few minutes to soap up, about 5 to shampoo, about 12 to allow for total conditioner activation. I turned off the shower and looked over to see the soaking wet newspapers, gushing black water down the tiles. All I could do was roll my eyes and smirk...once again, the world is against me. But not without a fight...

I ran and got dressed, then grabbed the now useless newspapers and threw them in the trash. I even set fire to them. I don't know why. I thought about my neighbor and how I could make it up to him. Aha! His car - he loves his car. I guess when it takes you 10 minutes to walk a few feet; you appreciate a machine that allows you to go the same speed as the rest of the world. If I got his car washed, he'd forget about the newspapers and thank me for my kindness. The newspapers would be yesterday's news, literally and figuratively.

I, of course, didn't have the keys to his car, and the old man was paranoid enough to lock it, possibly due to a previous mishap between me and him. Time being of the essence, coupled with my darn machismo, I decided to smash the driver-side window to get into the car. Window smashed, alarm sounded, hot-wired, and before I knew it, I was ready to go wash and wax. As I was backing out, the old guy came running after me, screaming. It then occurred to me that a black ski mask wasn't the best thing for me to be wearing. But hey, I wear what's clean and it was laundry day. I jumped out and ran to him, thinking the fastest way to reveal myself was to give one of my trademark bear hugs. You wouldn't believe how fragile old people are. Give me a break.

I guess one of my nosey neighbors caught wind of the fracas, because the cops showed up in record time. It turns out, cops, though physically capable of receiving one of my trademark bear hugs, don't care for them. I apologized for not being a mind reader and knowing that. I think that had it not been for a previous mishap, the cops would have chuckled, patted me on the back and sent me on my way. But, as the world's latest 'check mate' against me, I ended up in the back of the squad car. I'm on a break from my court hearing right now. The judge just said I would pay for my crime and some other stuff. I didn't want him to think I was mad at him for society's bizarre laws, so I hurried over to give him one of my trademark bear hugs. An obviously jealous bailiff freaked out. I'm sitting in some room now. I guess its lunchtime. I got my fingers crossed for some pizza.